A Letter From Adams

The Manager The Granite Bank Ltd 35 Mean Street Grimton Dear Sir,

a/c 123456789 Thank you very much for your letter pointing out that I currently have an overdraft on my account of #11.58p and that in view of the tenuous nature of my work you will be requiring both my kneecaps as security.

It may interest you to know that this week I sold my new screen play David's Umbrella to Dranida films for #100,000.00. That means I think you will find my account currently stands at a figure of:

Deposit: #100,000.00 Less overdraft: #11.58 Balance: #99,998.42

In view of the tenuous nature of the support you have given me, I would be grateful if you could now close the account and pay the balance into my new account (No. 987654321) at the National Friendly Bank just opposite you. Yours faithfully

Bud Ingwriter

-- Mac (mocher@pobox.com), March 11, 2002

Answers

Dear Mr Ingwriter (please don’t ask me to call you ‘Bud’ in formal correspondence – I don’t go to that club anymore, and anyway you were never half the man you thought you were),

You must be bleedin’ joking!

David’s Umbrella would be an insult to the intelligence of a mentally retarded marmoset which had served for three years on the executive committee of the Millwall FC Supporters’ Club. Any producer who got beyond page two would need to be carried on a litter to an Asylum for the Unreasonably Provoked, never to return to normal cocaine addiction.

I can confirm that we have received a number of foil-wrapped chocolate ‘coins’ from an organisation called ‘Dranida’, registered in a disused dustbin in Lusaka. The value of this confectionery has been estimated at £00.00153p (€98898.99) leaving you with a minimum overdraft of £11.57 (and don’t give me any of this ‘#’ stuff or I may be forced to reply ‘$*Å¢»%+>€ÊÀ&@?#åÏø{}âÖ£!!!!!!’ just like I did in 1999 when we appeared on Trisha to discuss our relationship).

The National Friendly Bank, which as you probably know acquired its name only when the European Convention on Shameless Sarcasm was incorporated into UK law in 1999, would be no more willing to accept you as a customer than I would to accept your lice-infested, drooling, Tourette’s Syndrome, multiple-murdering, furniture-soiling, Anne-Robinson-lookalike, Welsh step-sister as my temporary acting au pair (unpaid).

The putative charms of your kneecaps have always eluded me, but I’m sorry to say that business is business, and unless I receive them both in a jiffy-bag by registered post within forty-eight hours I shall be obliged to engage in actions which cannot be adequately described in words.

I remain your obedient servant,

Leonard (Crusher) Granite (Mrs) (DSO) (RSVP)

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), March 11, 2002.

All verbal gymnastics aside, in my tenure as loan officer we tended towards testicles as collateral.

Of course having so many bar b ques passed off as "calf fries" grew boring. We soon discovered the first born children.

Tastey, and not many perservatives.

Denis

-- Dennis (thewestwood@yahoo.comq), March 15, 2002.