Beardie Beardsley!

Newcomers to this forum may like to know that it is chiefly devoted to the study, promotion and worship of JACOB BEARDSLEY, the courageous young man in Wisconsin who set it up and then forgot all about it. Once you have established yourself as a contributor you will be encouraged to take the preliminary Beardsleyite vows, leading (after a period of penance) to the full Jacobian Oath of Fealty promulgated by Saullie, a well-known fourth-century theologian in Camberwell.

But Beardsley studies have been thrown into chaos by the need to revise one of the key texts, The “Ask A Drunk” News Roundup, Second Instalment. In this seminal document, the Divine Jacob was described as “clean-shaven”. This statement was made in good faith, based on the information available at that time.

On 5 November, however, our hardbitten team of Jacob-watchers gasped in incredulity when he loomed up in front of his webcam wearing what can only be described as … A BEARD!!!!!

Beardsley theorists are at odds about this development. Some have suggested that Jacob has no right to tamper with his iconography in this way. Others argue that our relationship with Jacob is necessarily an evolving one, that Jacob must be thought of as fluid and dynamic rather than fixed and fully apprehended, and in any case the beard rather suits him.

This dispute could yet convulse the cosmos. No one can be neutral. Where do *you* stand on Beardsley’s beard? If you would like some before-and-after pictures we shall be happy to supply them. Here at “Ask A Drunk” our purpose is to help everyone, without regard to creed, colour, gender, political allegiance or truss size. But as for the sort of toxic scum who hold the wrong views on Jacob’s beard, well, there have to be limits, don’t there? Don’t get me wrong, they’re entitled to their sick, pernicious, vomit-inducing opinions, but, personally, I wouldn’t have one in the house. Would you?

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), November 08, 2001

Answers

As the old Croatian proverb has it (and it loses little in translation), "A man should shave his beard as often as he beats his donkey". Even today, the most prominent figures in Croatian animal welfare tend towards beards of magnificent, implicitly benign length.

-- TRD (wellmeaning@hotmail.com), November 10, 2001.

You have bearded Beardsley in his lair? What pluck!

-- Aimless (aimless@national_raffle_association.org), November 12, 2001.

doesnt look like a beard to me.

-- San (he_mail@pakistans.com), January 18, 2002.