Bring forth the body fascist

Before going to bed each night I make a point of rubbing half a pound of crunchy peanut butter into my face, and every morning after breakfast I paint my teeth with Tippex. Also I use a “ladyshave” to remove superfluous hair from my lungs and epiglottis. Do others have any beauty tips to share?

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), November 27, 2001

Answers

For many years I assumed that the only cost-effective beauty method for me was mass hypnotism. That was before I discovered the beneficial effects of lubricious self-delusion. It is not only cheap, but it's nourishing and can be purchased by the glass or the pint.

-- Aimless (aimless@national_raffle_association.org), November 27, 2001.

Drinking blood, avoiding garlic and sleeping in a coffin always seems to work for those blokes in the films. Look at all the totty they manage to pull.

-- Saullie (saulj@btinternet.com), November 27, 2001.

At the age of 21, I determined that I had achieved the flower of my youth and the pinnacle of my physical beauty. The musk of my sweat was as sweet as a civet cat. My form and features shone with all the benignity of the summer sun. The toss of my golden mane acted upon the women as both a lure and a snare at once. The future could bring no greater perfection. Hope had become superfluous.

That is why, since that very day, I have religiously and faithfully pickled my perfection in ardent spirits at intervals as frequent as my constitution could stand. When I am lowered in my grave, I confidently expect I shall be so well-embalmed as to carry my incorruptible body down to the blasting of the last trumpet.

Chunky peanut butter be damned.

-- Laureate Cibber (cibber@arsy_versy.net), November 27, 2001.

Enthralled by the advertising for a beauty product that claimed to contain herbal essences, fruit extracts, essential pro-vitamins, proteins, cerumides, and other nourishing additives; I rushed out and bought it.
Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten the entire potfull at one sitting, but I'm now feeling rather ill.

-- Pete Andrews (p.l.andrews@bham.ac.uk), November 30, 2001.

It's interesting others have mixed experiences of oral application. I doubt the peanut butter I've been using for the last few years has had any positive effect on my beauty, and certainly not on my health. Perhaps Rex was right after all, but that still leaves the problem of where to apply the granary-style, supermarket baked-off bread.

-- TRD (wellmeaning@hotmail.com), November 30, 2001.

You should slice it and gum it to your cheeks, forehead and neck, so as to resemble the late Trevor Howard.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), December 09, 2001.