Chartered To Death

Last month I kidnapped three members of the Council of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of England and Wales. Their mates aren’t short of a bob or two, now are they? Ransom note to the Press Association, negotiations through the Times personal column, a few sacks of used notes in the old hollow tree on Clapham Common – I was expecting a straight up-and-down quids-in sort of job like we’ve done dozens of times on Ask A Drunk.

But no. Have you ever tried keeping three accountants in a confined space? Did you know that accountants live entirely on caraway seeds and rotting kelp? Did you know they can only sleep bolt upright, hanging from straps? Did you know that in repose they emit a ceaseless high-pitched moan like a Taiwanese power-tool suffering from chronic anxiety? No, nor did I.

And every time I draw up a ransom demand they start querying it. Asking for too much, too little, wrong currency, not allowing for write-offs, wrong stage of the financial year, amortizing on capital investment, misspelling ‘tracheotomy’, there’s no bloody pleasing them. After three weeks of this they’ve beaten me down to demanding two bottles of Sunny Delight and a plasticene model of Baroness Noakes of Goudhurst.

Should I (to use an expression they’ve taught me) go with this?

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), June 06, 2002

Answers

I'd hol out for a third bottle of Sunny D, otherwise your freah- faced child's mates will be disappointed when they come into the kitchen after a healthy game of football. And then you'll have to dose them with gin. Hang on...

-- Matt (Matt@coastaltown.freeserve,co.uk), June 06, 2002.

There is a wierd chemical (I forget its name) that instantaneously explodes upon contact with plastercine models of Baroness Noakes of Goudhurst. Try some of that.

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), June 06, 2002.

Is there a chemical that explodes on contact with a BMW? Now THAT would be worth having!
Why is every BMW driver such a complete arsehole?
Is there some sort of test?

Does the transaction at the dealers go something like this:
"Look here matey, I don't care if you can afford a dozen of these cars; you're not having this 320i until you can prove to me that you're a complete and utter shit who doesn't give a rat's arse for anyone else on the road..... Oh, I see you're a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants, that'll do nicely. Why didn't you say so before? - Drive her carelessly now, won't you sir.
By the way, we recommend you don't do more than 120 in the middle lane of the M5. Just for the first 600 miles. After that, you can really open her up.

-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), June 10, 2002.

If you try pronouncing BMW as "Bee-emm-wubble-woo" in a childish voice in future, you'll find your intolerance of these people will diminish.

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), June 10, 2002.