Clean-as-a-whistle Proletariat Chinfocus

Did anyone see this last night? I know regional BBC programming has fallen off in recent years but this is ridiculous.

For those of you who didn't see it - every week Gordon "Krypton Factor" Burns interviews mud-stained manual labourers and 'real people' about chin-related anecdotes. Then at the end of every bloody interview he asks them if they've ever commited a crime, they say no, then he turns to camera and says something inappropriately positive. Unintentionally funny the first time maybe, but it does get a little disturbing . . .

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), August 06, 2002

Answers

Gordon - "So, Enid, because of your chin the cat was saved . . ."

Enid - "Yes, it's recovering well . . . "

Gordon - "And have you ever commited a crime?"

Enid - "No, no Gordon, I haven't . . ."

Gordon - (thumbs up to camera) Brilliant, I mean absolutely bloody brilliant . . . "

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), August 06, 2002.

Gordon - " . . and Albert, your chin extension device has enable the N'Gawi tribe catch enough rainwater to head off this years drought"

Albert - "Yes, with any luck the Chinstend 4000 will eventually be able to provide the whole of Africa with . . ."

Gordon - " . . yeah, yeah, whatever. Have you ever been arrested?"

Albert - "Not once, Gordon, no . . . "

Gordon - *grabs the camera by the lens and screams into it manically* "GET IN! THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE! YES! YES! . . "

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), August 06, 2002.

Response to Response to Clean-as-a-whistle Proletariat Chinfocus

There!

That's fixed your bloomin' waggon innit mate?

-- Tom Stophard (playrite@gorblimeymate.com), August 13, 2002.

Response to Response to Clean-as-a-whistle Proletariat Chinfocus

Let's ave anuvver go.

-- Tom Stophard (playrite@gorblimeymate.com), August 13, 2002.

topic ended

Right! No more buggering abaht. This is gettin borin mate.

-- Tom Stophard (playrite@gorblimeymate.net), August 13, 2002.

Gordon - "So, Wayne, your After-School Group for children with outrageous chins has helped several otherwise shy loners achieve positive GCSE results?"

Wayne - "Yes, it's been a very rewarding experience. Children with frankly huge chins can get together and work and study together without it ever being a problem"

Gordon - "And have you ever recieved a fine, com,munity service or a custodial sentence?"

Wayne - "Not to my knowledge, Gordon, *laughs*"

Gordon - *stamping his foot on the ground and shaking his fist* "THIS IS YOUR BOY! THIS IS YOUR BOY RIGHT HERE! BLOODY SPOTLESS! SPOTLESS! PILLAR! ABSOLUTE PILLAR!"

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), August 13, 2002.

Gordon - "Mike Finnegan, tell us about your hairy experience during the famous hurricane of 1997."

Mike - "Well Gordon, *makes slight nervous laugh that sounds more like a snorting noise* I was trying to grow a beard at the time, and I went outside to close the shed door, because it was banging in the wind, when suddenly the wind got much stronger, and it blew the whiskers right back into my chin again. *goes into full-blown fit of nervous snorting nasal laughter*"

Gordon - "Fantastic Mike. Absolutely fantastic, and fascinating. Absolutely fascinating, fantastic, and unbelievable. Tell me: Were you at all frightened when all this happened to you?"

Mike - "Well Gordon, it all happened so fast that I didn't have much time to think about it while everything was all going on around me, but when I caught sight of myself in the mirror afterwards, and realised what a close shave I'd had, well I must admit that I could have done with a change in the old trouser department then." *complete snorting hysteria like a pig in rut follows*

Gordon - "Terrific stuff. Absolutely terrific, not to say terrifiying. I wonder how many other people could have taken it on the chin, and come back fighting so well as this brave man here did, eh? Not many of us, I'd hazard to say.
Now tell us Mike. Have you ever had any brushes with the law that you'd care to confess to us? Have you ever been 'up before the beak', as they say?"

Mike - "I don't know Gordon. What time does he normally get up?" *another snorting fit follows*

Gordon - *stares blankly*

Mike - "Seriously though Gordon. Apart from that time I got told off by the park-keeper for walking on the grass, I've kept my nose clean ever since."

Gordon - "Oh Michael, Michael. *lowers head and slowly shakes it* What can we say about that, eh? What a disappointment! I sincerely hope you've learned your lesson by it."

Mike - "Yes Gordon. I certainly have. *to camera, sounding wooden and rehearsed* There's nothing like the short sharp shock treatment to put a young tearaway, like I was in those days, back on the straight and narrow again." *stares at the ground silently*

Gordon - *direct to camera, with a pained expression* Well, there you have it. A salutory tale indeed. It just goes to show you, that even the bravest and best of us can sometimes fall foul of the long arm of the law. It only takes one moment of weakness. So just TAKE CARE. *visibly spitting as he shouts the words* ALL OF YOUS."

-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), August 14, 2002.

Typical BBC! As you may have heard, Clean-as-a-Whistle Proletariat Chinfocus has been cancelled after a brief run. Whilst no public explanation has been given, my insiders at the Beeb (the 6000BC Girls) tell me the cancellation is all down to our man Burns.

According to the wags, Gordon was filming a new segment with catering assistant Julie Pye when his lid finally boiled off onto the floor of taste and decency. Apparently Julie has underestimated her cleanliness and when she told Gordon, on camera, about a 1986 parking ticket, Gordon erupted with a volley of blows.

If anyone's interested you can get the footage off Kazaa. The sight of him raining fists onto the poor womans face is highly disturbing though. What's even more disturbing are the words he spits, a punch to the face for each syllable -

"Not . . on . . my . . fuck . . . ing . . .watch . . .this is the North . . .West . . . we . . .do . . not . . . commit . . . CRIMES!"

Then he starts putting the boot in. It's hideous.

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), August 18, 2002.

Gordon : " It seems as if our nation has fallen into the dustbin of history ; why therefore dost thou continue to toil in a dirty tea stained undershirt building shin protectors for fembot footballers?"

Sewer Scraper Eurotrash replies " Well mate , one must do something to get the ole buttocks in a sweat! Me arse is still afire from the Lynskfishing expedition on sat' and the lord knows the ol boobtube ain't gettin me a new b'ttle o ' lube on its own.

Gordon (tenderly massaging laborer's loins) Well Said Matey!

-- althea (fritzbead@aol.com), August 18, 2002.

Ah . . . that's the stuff . . .

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), August 18, 2002.