Confessions of a Toad

For some time now I have been wondering wether I should be concerned about the folowing personal habits viz.: 1. The custom of saying 'Good morning Gentleman' to a darkened living room at dawn when none but the lares and penates are there to witness the apellation; 2. Experiencing small urban epiphanies whenever alighting upon the perfect kennel club name for the dog I will never own; 3. Waiting for hours on London street corners in the vain hope of being transported from thence in a sedan chair; 4. Cheering myself up by concluding that I am in fact the leading protagonist in an Ealing comedy which has got caught in a time vortex.

-- richard.pyatt (richard.pyatt@westminster.org.uk), November 08, 2001

Answers

Cheer up! Things could be worse. Instead of a toad, you could be a toad-eater.

-- Aimless (aimless@national_raffle_association.org), November 09, 2001.

I think you may be suffering from toaders angst.

-- TRD (wellmeaning@hotmail.com), November 09, 2001.

Richard, dear man, if you are a toad, I’m definitely installing a water feature.

Very impressed by the courtesy you show to your living room. After too many hours viewing gritty 90s cop shows I find myself snarling “Shut it, you SLAG!!” at mine.

And think yourself fortunate it’s merely an Ealing comedy. I’m the protagonist of a low-budget Uruguayan horror flick from 1961, all rolling eyes and shuddery tottering.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), November 12, 2001.

Dear Mr. Toad

I'm sorry to post questions here in the answer section.... but what are 'penates'?

Also my sassy American friend Soph. wonders if 'folowing' is the British spelling of 'following'?

My answer to you is simple; Let your lover move in an greet HIM kindly in the morning. Get a dog. Buy your own sedan chain and pay a small flock of OSK's to transport you around town (you'll enjoy that!).... finally congratulate yourself on at least being a protagonist in something!

-- Lars (waxmus@visto.com), November 19, 2001.

Lars, welcome to the forum. But you appear to be seeking to respond to Richard in a reasonable and sensible way, which is rather like singing a draught-excluder or buttering ignominy – a basic misunderstanding of the concept.

It should be explained to the uninformed that “OSKs” is an abbreviation (widely used in Pimlico) of “Oriental Sex Kittens”. “Penates” I think is something to do with household gods – perhaps that latter-day polymath Dr Saullissimus of the University of Clerkenwell can enlighten us?

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), November 20, 2001.

Yes. I think that waxmus critter ought to be BANNED from Askadrunk just as he was from the Reformed Lamb and Flag for showing 'Le Fervrist'-like tendencies. How dare he make love to me when this is a purely silly and safely celibate zone. I am heartily glad that our esteemed webmeister hath knocked him over his Japo-Viking knuckles. If he wants to talk he'd better do it unsoundly, arcanely and frivolously like the rest of all these volk in Merry Git Land!

-- richard.pyatt (richard.pyatt@westminster.uk), November 20, 2001.

Auch!! Rex! good to see your voice! What kind of facistious and dictating forum is this??! What sort of silliness do you guys expect coming out of a melancholic, substance abusing, middel-aged Dane? I may at times be a reasonable and sensible drunk, but A DRUNK NO LESS! Now I have to be silly as well? Really, how am I to do anything arcane and frivolous, when in this computer lab I'm constantly reminded of my ever intruding horniness by the numerous attractive 20-something Japanese guys that are constantly surrounding me here! Ever tried to be silly with a big erection? (And sadly, all I can do is to wait for Pyatt-san to show up in his new samurai-santa outfit!)

NO! I was NOT banned from the L & F !! Remember Pyatticus, last time you pulled a Queen Elizabeth I and attempted to ban me from the table for not agreeing with you, YOU were thoroughly wacked over your fleshy, unnaturally white Brit-knuckels by the lot!

-- Lars (waxmus@visto.com), November 22, 2001.

This raises a few questions. First of all it's very good to see our Osaka correspondent in full rant. We miss the stentorian tones of cider-fuelled Danish Ultramontanism in the pub. But I have to say that, of all the allegations, and their name has been not so much Legion as Entire Mustered Strength of the Chinese People's Liberation Army, which have been raised against the Dean of Waz, that of having "pulled Queen Elizabeth I" is the most spectacular. A feat that eluded all the crowned heads of Europe, not to mention half the English nobility, has finally been achieved by a balding Mercian realityphobe in a Marsham Street sarcophagus. This could revolutionise history as we know it, and give David Starkey a richly entertaining apoplectic hissy fit. And about time too.

-- Bollard (tim_collard@yahoo.com), November 23, 2001.

The "penates", or bookelves, were Roman household gods. They lived in a corner of the house and would demand that each visitor to the house declare any printed material he or she was carrying on his person. During the person's stay, they would memorise the contents and recite them at annual bookelf meets held on the Quirinal, where the judges for the most impressive recitation usually included one of the Olympians themselves. Juno, although not a particularly perceptive arbiter, was a common guest-star (witness her half-hearted attempts to revive the format on "The Weakest Link"). Although we no longer believe in such things, even today many of the literati feel inclined to deposit reading material on entering a drinking establishment, altough often ignorant of hte classical origins of the habit.

-- Saullie (saulj@btinternet.com), November 27, 2001.