Could one adopt a drunk?

There has recently been a tragic bereavement in my family. The only person with whom one found one couldreally talk is now sadly gone from ones life
One now finds oneself isolated within a loveless extended family that is seemingly incapable of showing grief, or indeed, of forming any sort of emotional bond with one-another. One actually thinks onemight go quite mad from being unable to talk openly with another human being ever again.

The late and much-loved member of my family was quite outgoing, and enjoyed life thoroughly; and that included having a fondness for the ocassional tipple or two. One wonders, therefore, if onemight, in confidence, adopt a member of this forum?

One doesn't expect to replace a close relative with a complete stranger, of course, but one feels now more than ever, the need for something of the common touch, and a spark of warmth and companionship in ones life.

The arrangement would have to be clandestine, I'm afraid, since there are circumstances that I have no control over.
However, one promises to be a good listener, with a ready ear to lend, and one only asks for a readiness to listen to ones own emotional outpourings in return.

One eagerly awaits a response.

-- Charles X (c.windsor@sandringham.org), May 03, 2002

Answers

Charles X? We French historians know all about you, matey! A hugely unpopular, press-censoring, Parliament-dissolving religious maniac who ballsed it up for the Bourbons good and proper!

What’s that? You mean ‘X’ as in ‘surname withheld’? Oh. Ah.

On reflection, I should be deeply honoured to be adopted in the way you propose. I undertake to wear lavender at all times, develop an interest in quadrupeds, make frequent public appearances over a 78- year period, refuse all requests for interviews, renounce Orkney Dark Island in favour of Dubonnet and avoid wearing hats which obscure my face. Some of these undertakings – particularly the last – will involve enormous distress, not least to the spectators, but never let it be said that Rex was unwilling to serve his future Sovereign.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), May 05, 2002.

What you need, sir, is not an adoptee (perish the thought!), but a loyal retainer, an admirable Crichton, a sturdy varlet who will feign interest in your lovelorn caterwaulings in return for a steady position and well-defined, but unspoken, pilfering rights to the liquor cabinet. There's more than one way to adopt a drunk, if you catch my drift, and the way you suggest is possibly the worst of the lot, in regard to entails and whatnot.

So, be true to your caste, sir. Do not go rummaging at the bottom of the barrel for a new family member when you may purchase sufficient intimacy for a tuppence and a snort.

If the idea of a drunken hireling doesn't appeal, just remember there are many, many top drawer drunks from first rate schools who would be more than willing to frolic with someone of your rank and privilege. Their silence can be bought for a mere doodad on a multi-colored ribbon, if it comes to that. Just be sure to keep a dossier and it won't even come to that, if you get my meaning.

-- Laureate Cibber (cibber@arsy_versy.net), May 06, 2002.