Diary of a Genius in the Afterlife.

March 12th: Slip a soft clock down ze trouser of Pablo Picasso - such a humourlezz prick - 'e pretend not to notice.

March 15th: Leave a puddle of yellow fluid under Marcel Duchamp's "fountain" readymade.

March 21st: Make loud noise like ze bricklayer's fart, lasting 34 second, during ze performance of Yohn Cage's 4 minute and zirty-zree second.

April 1st: Did nozhing, which I zought would be ze ultimately surreal thing to do.

April 2nd: Discover one of Picasso's Blue Cubist turds floating in my toilet. It refuse to flush, so I frame ze toilet.

April 4th: Invite Picasso to zupper. I feed 'im ze lobster rissotto, with zennacot and cod-liver oil in ze sauce, follow by death-by-chocolate, made with ze exlax. Then I watch 'im have to zhit on 'is own masterpiece.

April 19th: Make some of Picasso's zhit appear in ze studio of Chris Ofili, and ze rest appear in ze bed of Tracey Emin. Boy! It really stink now.

To be continue...

-- Salvador Dali (dali.s9865@aol.net), July 22, 2002

Answers

May 6th: I paint beautiful pictures of African savannah on sides of herd of wild rhinoceros in African savannah.
Hola! Here come wildlife tourist in open-top Hyeep.

-- Salvador Dali (dali.s9865@aol.net), July 23, 2002.

May 8th: my moustache is causing me hitherto unimaginable difficulties.

-- Matt (Matt@coastaltown.freeserve,co.uk), July 23, 2002.

May 9th: I 'ave to shave off my famouz moustache, after it become entangled wiz one of ze mobile of Alexander Calder.
Calder say I 'ave ruin 'is best work. Perzonally, I think it is a great improvement.

May 10th: Disaster! Nobody recognize ze great Dali wizout 'is moustache. I am force to wear ze entire mobile of Calder on my top lip.
Hokay. Is not too bad. I could even get to like zis new look.

May 16th: I catch David Shepherd painting another of 'is bloody elephant. I throw my voice from ze elephant, zaying "Hey! David! You make my legs look like the trunks of the trees in this picture."
Both ze elephant and Mr Shepherd run off in ze panic, and ze elephant trample ze canvas and zhit on it. I think it is best thing Mr Shepherd 'as ever done, but Chris Ofili say it is yust "rip off" of his idea.

May 17th: I am so amuse by ze event of yesterday that I forget about ze mobile of Calder on top lip of Dali. Zat is, until one of ze silly little bird of Joan Miro start to perch on it. At this I am most vexed, since I cannot reach to dislodge ze bird, even wiz my famous walking cane.

-- Salvador Dali (dali.s9865@aol.net), July 24, 2002.

May 20th: Dali does not sleep well for ze nocturnal chirping of ze little bird, which turn out to be nightingale, alzo you would never guess it from drawing of Miro.
Bird is now - 'ow to zay? - "get on ze tits" of Dali.

May 21st: I am try to shoot ze bird wiz a small pistol, but ze construction of ze mobile mean I cannot get a clean zhot at it. Beside, one of ze bullet ricochet dangerouzly close to William Burroughs, who proceed to lecture me on 'ow dangerouz are ze firearms, an zat I could easily 'ave 'ad someone's eye out wiz it.
I leave Mr Burroughs still zwearing at me, while 'e go back to arm-wrestling wiz Ernest 'Emingway.

May 22nd: I 'ave ze ingeniouz plan to get rid of ze bird.
I sneak into ze studio of Beryl Cook, in the middle of the night, and zuddenly turn on ze light. Zere are many pictures here containing ze fat puzzy cats, and ze silly bird take fright and fly away.
Dali is truly a great genius!

I speak too soon. One of ze cat of Beryl Cook chase after ze bird up ze mobile, and is now lodge on ze topmost arm.

May 23rd: I examine myself through ze looking glass to make sure zat Dali does not look ridiculouz with ze cat on ze mobile on ze top lip.
Hokay. Dali is as 'andsome as ever, but I notice that ze cat is fat and ginger in ze colour, and zat it also 'ave ze big lecherouz grin on its face. Zis, I am thinking, is curiouzer and curiouzer, especially when ze cat seem to fade from view, and zen return again.
I think Dali need to go for a little lie down.

May 24th: I am consider calling ze fire brigade about ze cat.

-- Salvador Dali (dali.s9865@aol.net), July 26, 2002.