Do Your Bit!

As part of Ask A Drunk’s ‘Active Citizenship’ Campaign we are looking for volunteers to drive senior citizens to the shops (preferably not at midnight, and ideally without leaving them there for a week, as happened last time), massacre the piano at old folks’ singalongs, read very loudly to the deaf, nail corrugated iron over the windows of the housebound and assist visually impaired people by accurately describing their sexual partners.

Does one of these jobs have yourname on it? If not, why not encourage us all by telling us what you’re doing to make your community a safer and happier place?

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), June 30, 2002

Answers

poisoning cats

-- Veronica (vmod@britishlibrary.net), June 30, 2002.

Ahh, I always knew you were sound. But don’t tell Celeste.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), June 30, 2002.

Organising paintball events for confused and frightened pensioners. In order to meld them into an EFFICIENT UNIT godammit....

-- Matt (Matt@coastaltown.freeserve,co.uk), June 30, 2002.

I've always considered myself a large part of the undesirable element of my own neighbourhood. Therefore, by staying in the pub, or drinking myself quietly into a stupor at home, I contribute to the safety and salubrity of the local streets, by keeping myself off them.

I partly finance the above activity by selling bags of plastic foam chippings as 'breadcrumbs', to old ladies and tourists, for them to feed the city's multitude of verminous pigeons with.

-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), July 01, 2002.

I'm helping out "Georgio" by "bypassing" the internet.

-- Jarl'rmai (parkerj@edgehill.ac.uk), July 01, 2002.

and by "that" will you make a "million" pounds?

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), July 01, 2002.

Nah, but he'll make enough to stop Igor kicking his pansy geek ass. Again.

-- Matt (Matt@coastaltown.freeserve,co.uk), July 01, 2002.

I administer enemas to circus elephants. If they shit while they are "on", it disrupts the show. I see to it that the elephants you so enjoy don't shit anywhere you. You should thank me. In fact I accept cash contributions and mindless sex. Think about the last elephant you saw. Did it shit? I bet not. That shitless elephant was there for you courtesy of me or someone like me. Keeping an elephant shit-free for a 2 hr. show is no easy task. Elephants ( It's an inside joke ) shit and eat at the same time! Have you ever tried to house-break an elephant! why you piss-headded little i ought to....

-- Zen Clown (martys@iland.net), July 01, 2002.

I administer enigmas to performing elephants. They can't solve the puzzles, BUT they don't give a shit.

-- Pete Andrews (p.l.andrews@bham.ac.uk), July 03, 2002.