FREE DECORUM MPEGS

Yep, you heard right! In a ground-breaking move, Ask A Drunk is giving YOU the chance to download free pin-sharp video clips of ENTIRELY DECOROUS BEHAVIOUR!!!

See fully-dressed young ladies getting down and hygienic! Watch while virtuous maiden aunts pour tea and nibble shortbread! Nothing is left to the imagination as Dr Robert Spink delivers the Lady Olga Maitland Memorial Lecture! (Not that she’s dead or anything – this is a fantasy video.) Lovers of hot group action will drool over the finals of the 1951 East Sussex Bowls Championship, or goggle at excerpts from the latest Oldie Literary Luncheon!

If YOU’RE turned on by cut-glass vowels, neatly creased trousers and correctly observed dining-table etiquette – if regimental ties, country dancing, cucumber sandwiches and nice clean zip-up cardies throw YOU into a muck sweat – then bookmark Ask A Drunk – the only fully explicit rectitude site you’ll ever need!

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), May 12, 2002

Answers

I must tell you about an experience I had recently. I had popped into a Cotswold tea room for a scone when I noticed that the waitress was BEHAVING NORMALLY. I quickly failed to catch her eye as she went about her ordinary business....

[cont after pictures of Eastbourne Beach in February]

-- Alistair Campbell (mike.morris@anthro.ox..ac.uk), May 13, 2002.

This is blatant copyright infringement of my exclusive nitespot for Gentlemen "Lovely Girls" to be found in the basement of the Quality Hotel, Skelmersdale. Wherein the discerning punter, having handed over his money will be treated to the like of Clare, Rowena and Celeste, smartly turned out, reading short passages from improving books. How dare you..

-- Matt (Matt@coastaltown.freeserve,co.uk), May 15, 2002.

If only this board had sound, then I could demonstrate.
Would you prefer I started with the knitting patterns, or the Winnie the Pooh stories?

-- Celeste (celeste@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), May 17, 2002.

Stories about Genk, and to a lesser extent, melf.

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), May 17, 2002.

Genk and melf? We’ll have none of that ambiguous, risqué innuendo on this thread, thank you very much!

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), May 18, 2002.

The knitting patterns first, honestly Miss Pettifer, I explained it all at the staff meeting on tuesday. And tell Caroline to climb down from the shelves, she's frightening the barman.

-- Matt (Matt@coastaltown.freeserve,co.uk), May 18, 2002.

Can we hire Mr Bannon (Si) for the bartender this evening sir?

-- Celeste (celeste@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), May 18, 2002.

I am unfortunately unable to attend as I will be playing Dr. OneShade's head like a set of bongos all nite.

-- Bannon (si@call-that-a-quarter.org), May 18, 2002.

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the quality and content of the aforementioned video clips.

One of the gentlemen sitting at table nine in 'Oxford tearooms confidential' clearly reveals his ankle between his trouser cuff and his navy blue sock. This can be seen on no less than five frames, just as he leans over to offer a scone to his lady aquaintance.
Also, if I turn the sound up, I'm convinced that I can hear someone belch in the cucumber sandwhich scene too. At least, I hope it was a belch.

Yours disgustedly, etc. etc.

-- Jonathan Thribble MBE, ALA, JCB and bar (j.thribble@uptight.org), May 20, 2002.