| Ask A Drunk : One Thread |
excellent condition. each one used fewer than four or five times, and NEVER on actual carpets!!! really really nice with wood (birch??) shafts and high impact resin heads (the tough small-cell stuff). 1001 uses!!! UKL15 each OBO (carriage TBA by buyer, FOB ormskirk). sold as a set only. no dealer enquiries please. also many others as described elsewhere, etc.
-- hurley (michel@tcn.org), September 16, 2002
I might be interested in these and as many more as you can provide up to several gross, if you are willing to accept as payment an odd lot of small coinage that has been accumulating at the back of my dresser drawer for the past few months. (Parenthetically, someday I really must acquire a dresser as well - then, ah! then I shall have adequate scope for the accomplishment of certain plans I have been maturing for a long time. I get so tired of of wearing all the clothing I own at all times - or mostly so. The drawer does contain room for a few rags of this and that. Very handy in fact.)I can assure you am not a dealer. More of a fancier. As I say, I have plans. Many, many plans that it would not be wise to divulge fully as of yet. Shag is only the beginning!
-- Aimless (aimless@national_raffle_association.org), September 16, 2002.
Unspecified thing of indeterminate dimensions. Could be 1950s food mixer, obsolete agricultural implement or Lib Dem councillor. One previous owner, a little old lady (Lucrezia Borgia). All offers considered as I’m 54 now and my looks are going. Box AAD(1).
-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), September 16, 2002.
I have tufts of carpet from the Sharon Tate murder scene. I wouldn't consider selling them,of course, but I would, for a price, e-mail the smell to anyone who can afford it.
-- Zen Clown (martys@iland.net), September 17, 2002.
Would you consider an exchange for the full 38 volume set of Pargitter's Dictionary of Ballroom Dancing? I'm not as light on my feet as I used to be, and even in my heyday, I hardly used it.
Or how about an indoor topiary set; comprising miniature clippers, small stepladder, and a set of cutting templates for such designs as a wren, a vole, a pair of mating dormice, and (my particular favourite) the Princess Alexander?
No? Well what about my collection of cut-glass decanter stoppers then?
Rustic potting shed in flatpack form, never assembled (instructions missing)?
Genuine pair of WWII SS jackboots? Well, I say a pair - the left one's two sizes smaller than the right - but then Uber-Lieutenant Schneider wouldn't have been your first choice as a model for the ideal aryan shape.
Lazy-susan tongs with boxing glove attachment?Come on, there must be something here that takes your fancy!
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 17, 2002.
i might be able to do a part exchange for the Pargitter's. however, i would only be interested in the second (dutch) edition with the color plates and footwork diagrams for both the stick-in-the-eye shuffle and the wrong-blood-type-transfusion reel. this version is easy to spot; it has the pressed lampreys interleaved throughout the glossary.
-- hurley (michel@tcn.org), September 17, 2002.
I have to sell two David Dickinson Commerative Plates, beautifully painted and wonderfully preseved, these early 2005 pieces convey both the horror and the senile joy of Bargain Hunt.Plate one pictures that blonde slag of Changing Rooms designing the Aids virus and administering it to Continent Africa with a Royal Scallion.
Plate Two pictures our friend David Dickinson pissing lead on a gathering of simplimatic Jew Turks whilst holding an Uzi 9mm to the head of the Real Jesus, spraying wildly and holding a bitter fist to his twisted monkey cock.
I am willing to take bids over the value of 60 souls.
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 17, 2002.
What, our souls?
-- Mr A. Schoolboy-Smuttyjoke (d.entendre@fernarfernar.com), September 19, 2002.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.I also have for sale one incredibly decorative statue of Gordon Burns. It features Mr. Krypton Factor posing as if startled by a small but pernicious cobra / Vinny Jones hybrid, and holding a clipboard in his left hand, the text reading "I love Firefox". I am willing to accept bids of flesh and sorrow only.
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 19, 2002.
does that include the tiny bits of flesh attached to follicle ends after a good hair-tearing session?? as for the sorrow, pills, capsules or liquid??
-- hurley (michel@tcn.org), September 19, 2002.
Two scabs, a bag of dandruff, and a sarcastic apology, and that's my final offer.
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 20, 2002.
I'll settle for the sarcastic apology, as long as it as accompanied with a radical hand gesture of the "So fucking what?" variety.
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 20, 2002.
Oooooh! So you'll settle for the apology NOW will you. *crosses fingers of left hand firmly behind back* Well So-o-rry! Excusay freakin' moi. *makes 'salaam' gesture*
How can I possibly grovel enough? Should I spend 40 days in the frigging wilderness, wearing only sackcloth and ashes *mimes rending of clothes* WITHOUT WATER? Or how about if I cut out my VITAL ORGANS *mimes tearing at stomach with hands* and lay them on the altar of your sublime mercy, then die a slow, painful and bloody death while begging for your DIVINE FORGIVENESS? *drops to knees with hands together* How would that suit your exhalted sense of KAMIC RETRIBUTION? *rubs knuckles into eyes* I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so very, very, very SORRY. *prostrates self on floor, then, when Lynskey isn't looking, makes figure of 'O' with thumb and forefinger, shaking it back and forth*
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 23, 2002.
It's yours. You may collect what is yours but there is one catch - you must spend a night in a HAUNTED HOUSE ! ! ! !
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 23, 2002.
Lead me to it!
I ain't afraid a no ghosts.
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 23, 2002.
Is there something strange in your neighbourhood?
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 23, 2002.
Yeah! An' it don't smell good.
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 24, 2002.
Who are you going to call?
-- Jarl'rmai (parkerj@edgehill.ac.uk), September 24, 2002.
Rentokil?
-- Simon (weebleman@hotmail.com), September 24, 2002.
I was thinking more like The gas board, or Environmental Services.
Now, where's that plasma cannon thingy? Hmmmm, wonder if the Catholic church has a Plasma Canon?
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 25, 2002.
No Plasma Cannons, but there is a rumour that the Vatican actually has hold of a real teleporter. Apparently it's main use is to keep the Pope amused. He does like dropping in on his naked ladies.
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 25, 2002.
I hope this isn't leading to a plethora of contrived papal jokes - "kiss my ring", "Is that really a crosier in your pocket Your Holiness", "wears the soap", "Holy communion was never like this before I converted", "let's play bury the bishop", "Oh, so THAT'S extreme unction", etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aol.net), September 25, 2002.
Almost certainly
-- Simon (weebleman@hotmail.com), September 25, 2002.
You've just done all those - self fulfilling prophecy alert
-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 25, 2002.