Futuristic MP3 capability

Further to the DVD extras fun, I've just got hold of an MP3 player from the future that allows you to transform your music as never before. No granular synthesis or shitty vocal removers here - features include -

Find and replace band member, change instrument, change musical style, alter budget, change lyrics . . . there's thousnads of these things.

Your music collection will never be the same again

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 12, 2002

Answers

Experiment 1 - Automatic for the People. Now every track on my version is about horses (I know Stipey likes Patti Smith so I thought it'd be appropriate). Standout track is "Horses never hurt" (Everybody Hurts), "Saddlebag" (Ignoreland) and, of course, "Red Rum got a Raw Deal" (Monty Got a Raw Deal).

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 12, 2002.

Experiment 2 - The Lady in Red - Changed the title to "The Werewolf in Hull" and let the rest of the lyrics sort themselves out. Not bad. Changed the drums to a hard, industrial type thrashout. A winner.

-- Lynskey (paul@daymaker.freeserve.co.uk), September 12, 2002.

I got my entire Squarepusher collection and replaced the drums with Ringo from the Beatles who records using "aqua drums" in a water filled spacestation orbiting Jupiter, changed the musical style to Opera, whacked the budget up to £500 billion, all the lyrics are now about Chinese foreign policy and are sang by a voice trained humpback whale and a chorus of a trillion Michael Jackson clones suspended in "audio goo".

Added samples include the noise when two Nimitz class aircraft carriers collide at maximum speed, The entire population of India saying "Ooh" and Krakatoa exploding recorded using a temporal microphone.

Guest vocalists now include Thor God of Thunder, Mark Corrin, The re- animated corpse of Elvis and The Supremes doing a duet with the Kraken.

The track Coopers World is remixed by a Dragon and features a chorus of every Blue Peter presenter ever tracked down at the age of 13 using a time machine, trained to sing by Ghandi and recorded on top of Sugar Mountain in 1066 by Julius Ceaser on blissium.

Strange thing is every track now sounds like The Mighty Quinn by Bob Dylan.

-- Jarl'rmai (parkerj@edgehill.ac.uk), September 12, 2002.

crtical performance parameter omitted: will volume go to 11??

-- hurley (michel@tcn.org), September 12, 2002.

jarl'rmai is just being silly. Nobody is stupid enough to clone Michael Jackson. Please.

-- Simon (weebleman@hotmail.com), September 12, 2002.

Experiment 3.- I found the "Introduce artist crack habit" to be particularly appealling. The S Club Juniors really have come on leaps and bounds since i ticked this box. I also was a fan of the "Take away blindness" option, although was a little disappointed to see Stevie Wonder just throw in the towel and become a big time porn director.

-- Robin (Robin@rjmhome.freeserve.co.uk), September 13, 2002.

I had Shane MacGowan's (of the Pogues) teeth fixed. Now he has an overbite, and whistles whenever he pronounces the letter 'S' - it'sss brill!

I now have Frank Zappa play guitar on EVERYTHING, and a permanent Kiki Dee removal filter fitted. Backing vocals are now provided by a chorus of trained hummingbirds and the (castrated) Beach Boys.

Had Berthold Brecht rewrite the lyrics to Evita, Showboat, Grease and Fame! - They became almost listenable.

Had Leonard Cohen rewrite the entire lyrics of Elton John's songs, and then had all of Leonard Cohen's songs sung by Boy George - just for giggles.

Arranged for Cream never to have split up, and found they went on to produce 357 more albums, all of them shit, except for just two tracks which were sheer genius.

Arranged for VanMorrison to split up after "Moondance".

Arranged for Pink Floyd to fulfill their early promise of becoming a truly progressive band. - "Brick in the wall" became a polemic on how better education would lead to the ultimate downfall of capitalism.

Had the pan-pipes replaced with bagpipes in every piece of South American music - still no improvement.

Had John cage compose a piece for string-quartet and sampled sounds of rope creaking at his own hanging. - As expected, it was a pretentious piece of crap, but at the same time, strangely enjoyable.

Stopped Elvis Costello from wasting his time collaborating with anybody, and got 6 more decent albums out of him.

Had Country-and-Western music outlawed in every state of America, except Alaska and Hawaii.

Made Cajun and Delta Blues music compulsory in Tennessee, Texas, California and New Mexico.

Had every trace of sentimentality beaten out of Elvis Presley during his formative years.

Had a team of psychologists and other scientists finally track down the reason why people thought Sinatra was a great singer. - Turns out it was Blissium in the water supply of New York, Chicago and Las Vegas.

Lastly. Had Phil Spectre's wall of sound collapse on him, killing him outright.

-- Sue Denim (s.denim@ayupoell.com), September 13, 2002.

But Sue the pan-pipes can express ANY emotion, ANY.

-- Jarl'rmai (parkerj@edgehill.ac.uk), September 13, 2002.

I bet they can’t do Embittered Apathy.

Although, in fairness, they can cause it.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), September 13, 2002.

I think you mis-read. ANY emotion, ANY.

-- Jarl'rmai (parkerj@edgehill.ac.uk), September 13, 2002.

Well, they certainly express the contents of my stomach.

-- Sue Denim (s.denim@aonotwell.com), September 13, 2002.