bill heine is god

he better peacebringer than rudy julie an he has big shark not at all fallic an he let every1 have opinion no matter how cunty they r. i been on his sho 32 times.

ok if not god then better than fatso danny cox.

i cling to life with fingernails.

-- XStatic Peace (xpeace@hotmail.com), February 14, 2002

Answers

May your nails be of serrated tungsten. We can’t afford to lose you. Such raw energy, such combative spunk! You make me feel like a vapid old soak. Funny, that.

Despite appearances, most Askadrunkites don’t live in Oxford. (Nor do I, though I try to hide it in case women stop respecting me.) A word of explanation might be in order.

Bill Heine is a law graduate of Balliol College, Oxford. He became the proprietor of two primitive art-house cinemas in Oxford, the Penultimate Picture Palace and the Moulin Rouge. On the portico of the former he installed two large Al Jolson hands made of fibreglass. On the latter he installed two gigantic can-can legs, emerging from a petticoat resembling the Al Jolson hands. The council objected, claiming the legs were ‘advertising’ and required planning permission, which they wouldn’t have needed had they been ‘art’. Heine, an astute fellow despite his Balliol background, promptly declared that they were art, not advertising; and, to emphasise the point, changed the name of his cinema to ‘Not the Moulin Rouge’. The council retired and licked its wounds.

Then came the US bombing of Libya, conducted from USAF bases in the UK. Bill Heine’s response was to install in the roof of his home, opposite (Not) the Moulin Rouge, a huge fibreglass shark, resembling a missile, and to change the name of his house to ‘Untitled, 1986’.

A modicum of hell broke loose. People complained that the shark ‘lowered the tone’ of an area which was dominated by the stadium lights of Oxford United. It was alleged to be causing accidents as drivers slowed to admire it, though no evidence was adduced. The lengthy controversy was resolved by the Tory minister Tony Baldry (not my favourite man, but on this occasion he got it right) who said this was not the sort of case with which the planning laws were intended to deal, an Englishman’s home is his castle, art conquers all, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and when is a door not a door?

So there the shark remains. Bill Heine meanwhile became a key local personality, acquired his own radio phone-in show and (on the testimony of our colleague Xstatic) retains it to this day. An inspiring tale, you will surely agree. Readers are invited to infer a moral.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), February 14, 2002.

i aint bill heine if that wot u thinkin.

-- XStatic Peace (xpeace@hotmail.com), February 15, 2002.

Incidentally, Heine, former columnist in the Oxford Star ("Your priceless weekly paper", where priceless shall mean "so shite that nobody, however pathetic, would buy it")has also been seen (at least by the cameraman) on Oxford's Channel 6, a station so remarkable that literally no barb can be devised to spear it adequately. Personally I lost all respect for them when they called an interviewee a "Ph D student at Oxford".

him prolly at brooks not medochre cunt.

-- Brian Mooredeadthanpreviously (mike.morris@anthro.ox.ac.uk), February 15, 2002.

We have thus far failed to mention his utterly unique collection of sweaters, particularly the one with the red "B" embroidered on the front, which I understand were a major factor in the Oxford Channel terminating his contract.

He buys all of his clothing from jumble sales, too.

But what do YOOOOOOOOUUU think?

-- XStatic Peace (xpeace@hotmail.com), February 15, 2002.

Does this Heine fellow also have a branch of his electric cinematograph palace in Brighton, by any chance?
There's an establishment there with a big set of fibreglass legs poking through the roof. At least, they LOOK fibreglass.
That is to say, they didn't move in all the time that I watched them.
Which was considerable.
Phwoooorh!

-- National Enquirer (n.quirer@thelast.gasp), February 15, 2002.

Yup – Bill Heine was for some years the owner of the Duke of York’s Cinema in Brighton, and when Not The Moulin Rouge was demolished he gave its legs a new home at the seaside.

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), February 16, 2002.

And here he is in all his glory…

-- Rex (rex@waitrose.com), February 16, 2002.

Him hine look lik reel cunt.

-- Xtastic Ecape (xpeace@hotmail.com), February 18, 2002.

That's very poor indeed.

-- XStatic Peace (xpeace@hotmail.com), February 18, 2002.

Sorry to disappoint you laddie, but that big shark/missile is DEFINATELY phallic

-- Carl Junk (archie_types@hotmail.com), February 20, 2002.